Tantrums can test any parent’s patience, but responding with punishment isn’t the answer—and here’s why. Dealing with your child’s emotional outbursts, whether it’s a toddler’s intense meltdown or a teenager’s emotional storm, can feel like navigating a minefield. Many parents find themselves at a loss, overwhelmed by how to soothe their child without escalating the situation. Rachel Avery, Homes Editor at HELLO! and a mother herself, admits, "My son is nearly two, and the infamous ‘tantrum era’ is well underway." She shares that even simple warnings like, ‘Five more minutes at the park,’ can spark a sudden meltdown. To ease these moments, she tries to motivate her son by promising a fun activity afterward—saying things like, ‘If you brush your teeth now, we can drive to Nanny’s and play.’ Distraction also plays a key role: chatting about the day while getting dressed, or asking her son to count or sing while putting on shoes. Yet, she knows these strong emotions are a normal phase—so she doesn’t stress too much about them.
Rachel has found what works for her family, but understanding why tantrums happen can help you discover strategies tailored to your child. To explore this further, we spoke with Dr. Sasha Hall, a senior education and child psychologist registered with HCPC.
What Exactly Is a Tantrum?
A tantrum isn’t just a child falling to the floor and screaming; there’s more happening beneath the surface. Dr. Hall explains, "A tantrum is an emotional explosion that occurs when a child feels overwhelmed, frustrated, or unable to effectively communicate their needs. They’re very common in toddlers and preschoolers and are a natural part of development."
Tantrums often arise due to tiredness, hunger, transitions between activities, frustration, or a budding desire for independence. During these episodes, the child’s amygdala—the brain region responsible for emotional responses—is highly active, making it nearly impossible for them to think rationally or listen to reason. This is why reasoning with a child mid-tantrum often fails. Instead, the goal should be to help children recognize and safely manage these intense emotions over time.
How to Respond to Meltdowns at Different Ages
Handling a toddler’s meltdown is very different from supporting a struggling teen. Dr. Hall breaks down helpful approaches by age group:
Toddlers (1–3 years): "Toddlers have limited language and self-control skills," Dr. Hall says. "Your job as a caregiver is to ensure their safety, keep calm yourself, and offer comfort. Trying to stop the tantrum or force communication during the outburst isn’t effective. Instead, accepting their emotions and modeling calmness helps them slowly understand that big feelings are okay."
Preschoolers (3–5 years): At this stage, kids start naming their feelings and understand simple guidance. Adults can acknowledge their emotions and provide choices or calming tools, like deep breathing or moving to a quiet spot. Avoid rushing them through the emotion; instead, teach that all feelings are valid and manageable.
Young Children (6–10 years): Children here can reflect once calm. Parents can talk through what happened, identify what triggered the tantrum, and practice coping techniques together. Validating feelings and demonstrating calm behavior helps kids build emotional awareness and control.
Teenagers (11+ years): Even teens can be overwhelmed by powerful emotions triggered by the amygdala, especially when stressed. During meltdowns, offering support, validation, and steady presence is key. After calm returns, private conversations about strategies for coping and problem-solving can assist teens in handling future emotional challenges effectively.
Why Punishing Tantrums Backfires
It might seem natural to punish or scold a child who throws a tantrum—but experts strongly advise against this. Dr. Hall warns, "Punishment can create shame and make children feel their emotions are wrong, which hinders their ability to learn emotional regulation." Instead of punishment, adults should:
- Recognize and name the child’s emotions, reassuring them that strong feelings are normal.
- Remain calm and create a safe environment where the child can express themselves.
- Once the child is calm, teach coping methods, such as deep breathing, talking things out, or engaging in soothing activities.
- Model calm reactions yourself so the child can learn by example.
Dr. Hall emphasizes that the aim is to help children identify and manage their emotions thoughtfully instead of suppressing them. This approach fosters emotional resilience that lasts a lifetime.
But here’s the part most people miss... What if some parents believe stricter discipline during tantrums can prevent future outbursts? Could this long-standing view actually do more harm than good? What do you think—should tantrums ever be punished, or is there truly a better, kinder way? Share your thoughts and experiences below; we’d love to hear differing opinions on this often debated topic.
